Saturday, April 12, 2008
i wet my pillows to sleep
*again*
it has been 6 years and 3 months, and i still feel wrong, feel sad about what happened.
nenek.
the tiniest in the family. despite her size, she could still carry my brother (who weighs 30kg at the age of 3!) whenever she brought us out to 'kedai nurul kat depan'. cant remember her age tho. she was the healthy besides the high blood pressure she had. and we were pampered. we 3 are the most pampered cucus of her, cos she stayed with us. 'nenek ni... nenek tu...'. she'll never get tired. but she seldom smile. she was a bit garang to everyone. except us.
i cant remember how old i was when she had her first fall; the fall that sadden the family, the fall that makes her move so slowly n she was so weak... angin ahmar.
then we moved house.
nearer to my mother's siblings. few years later, mother was dignosed with kidney failure. another tragedy that made us shed tears, and fail to concerntrate in my GCE 'N' level. it was announced one day before my first paper. and everything that was in my head, vanished, just like that.
it was like a chain of tragedies for a while.
nenek had another fall in the toilet. but she was ok. days after, that we realised, she bahaved and talked so wierdly. she will say she wans to solat when she had already solat. she wans to eat, when we already fed her. and i'd say it was difficult moment. but none of us were ready for the worst.
it was hard looking after her that way. she wouldnt listen to us anymore. she will quietly sneaked out of my room to go toilet alone. even tho we told her many times to wake me or either of us up. but... yah...
she had another fall. and this time, when obek (my mother's eldest sister who lived with us) helped her up to bring to my room, she was so nice and thank obek many times. *before, she was her angry-self*. the next day, she told everyone who came to visit that our neighbour next door who came and helped her...in the wee hours? our neighbour?... and they decided to bring her to hospital. in the ambulance, she was crying out loudly, screaming wanting to go home. and my aunt, who got scared asked the ambulance to return.
starting from that night, we were all afraid to fall into deep sleep.
starting from that night, she scared us in many ways.
for example:
'ayin aku nk balik. kenapa kau tinggal kan aku kat rumah ni. ada anjing aku takut'
'argh!! tolong aku, orang tu datang nk bawak aku pergi'
'kakak aku datang tu. bukak pintu' (her kakak live in indonesia)
many times she told us that some people came to visit her; which actualy nobody came, cos its the middle of the night.
my mother's sickness got worst, everything that she hold can drop just like dat. its like she cant hold anything properly. we were lucky cos one of my aunt brought nenek to stay with her. at that time, only mother was home during the day, we were schooling and obek n father have to work. she was doing well, even tho she kept 'talking out of sense'...
one saturday, we went to visit her as a family, all the families were around, even her brothers n sisters went to my aunts place to visit her.
i can still remember how happy she was. always laughing and smiling. and she ate alot. i really mean alot. more then her usual meals. one incident still make me smile till now is when we were sitting on cousins bed and she came in to sit with us. she walked towards the edge of the bed. we watched her cos afraid she might fall. just as she lay her bumm on the bed, the whole bed collapsed. as in the four legs gave way. we all got scared. but nenek just laugh out loudly. so we joined. and helped her out. she told the incident to everyone outside. cute.
then came the time for us to go home. we had our madrasah class in the morning on sunday.
as i salam n hug n kissed nenek goodbye, she said,
'aku nak balik. bile kau nak bawak aku balik?'
'nari tak bole nek. esk ayin ada madrasah. nanti esk ayin datang lagi.'
little that i know, that what she meant was, she was going HOME.
it was 3+ in the morning, when my aunt called us and asked us to hurry down.
there she was lying motionless as i called her. my uncle was reading surah yassin. aunt was crying. i refuse to believe it. so i just sat outside and stare. but when i was told to call the other cousins, i burst out.
menyesal tak habis. kesedihan yang tidak akan pupus.
the sadness that filled me for years, for not being able to fulfill her last wish; to let her leave from a place she called her home.
i miss you nenek
cherish every moment you have with the loved ones...
Take me as far as possible
